“SCREW YOUR MANIME SORD…. MARY ME AND HAFE MY BOIBIES!!!!!!!” It was like Roxy. And very much not like Roxy.
“I’ll use it, I swear! It’s sharp! And it’s Awesome! And…” Dirk was, for once, in a panic, “It’s a Sword!” His sword wasn’t actually out.
“SHUSH YOUR MOUTH AM MABE BEUBITUL LOAF TO YOU FUSHURE WIFE!” She was waiting with some ring she had found.
Dirk looked upon his friends… Or what he assumed were his friends. Something like them, oddly colored, claiming their ‘personal problems solved’.
“No.” This had to stop. The sword came out. Carefully waiving off the floating girl, feet hanging somewhere near her cheeks. Or trying to waive her off.
“Mister bro, listen to my advice,” the so-called sprite on the corner of the roof piped up, “I think you should just go for it.”
“Shut up. I said no.” The sword’s target did not change.
“This is coming not only from your mystical guide, not only from an alternate version of yourself,” which he’d debate with the former mechanical intelligence, “but from a dude with a flippin’ spectacular body.”
“Are y’all going to FORCE a bro to take DRUGS? Sounds like you’re just…” dramatic pause, dramatic pause, dramatic pause, “Making Problems.”
“OH NO.” Roxy’s hands slapped to her cheeks, “BUT IF WE MAEK PROBLEMS THERE WILL BE … PROBLEMS.”
“OH NO.” Jake’s hands slapped to his eyes, “WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THERE ARE PROBLEMS.”
“OH NO.” Jane’s hands covered her mouth, and mumbled something.
“WHAT??” The other two floating trickster-mode kids looked back at Jane.
She uncovered her mouth. “WE SHOULD MAKE SURE THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS EVER AGAIN!” She held up the spiral sucker she had inadvertently created a short time ago, waving it for a moment like a huge marching band baton. Then she twisted her wrist to bring it’s oversized disk to her mouth – and set her teeth on it. With a crunch, Jane’s teeth flew in arcs from her mouth. Hands again slapped their owners’ faces in response. “SIWWY ME, YOU CANT CHEW A SUCKER!” Jane had removed the candy disk from her mouth, and gave a smile filled only with pink gums.
“THEN FOR THERE TO BE NO PROBLEMS, WE STILL HAVE TO CONTAIN IT!” Jake snatched away the sucker bringing it to his mouth – but instead of biting down, he simply tried to force it into his mouth. He was… surprisingly successful. His cheeks stretched outwards, his jaw seemed to separate from the rest of his skull – but he only managed to conceal first few centimeters. Mouth jammed full of “candy”, he murmured something unintelligible to Dirk, motioning at his fellow tricksters. The responded by floating up to him and latching pairs of fingers into the edges his mouth and stretching his cheeks outwards, while Jake continued to push in. The effect was the slightest bit like putting in a lip plate – except the disk was far to big for his lower lip. With the girls coaxing, his jaw was both hidden beneath the disk, and in stark relief underneath – a bony, disconnected projection.
Jake was only left to gurgle, the curve of the disk not quite matching the curve of the back of his throat. He looked blissful, tongue held in contact with the sucker.
“HHHHHHUUUUUUU,” Jane circled, Trying to articulate without teeth, “HAR WE SAHE ENOUH FWROM PROBWEMS NOW?”
“HMMMMMMM,” Roxy circled, “I DON THINK SO, YU COULD JUST UPSIDASIE IT OUT LIK THIS,” she grabbed the handle and tugged. The sucker immediately popped fee of Jake’s mouth violently, leaving Roxy considering it’s size and Jake with a rather unpleasantly distended face. Jane batted around his hanging jaw a bit, before seeing if his skin was loose enough to pull up and knot around the top of his head. I wasn’t, so she let it flop down again.
“NAH, I GOT BETTER IDEAR,” Roxy held the sucker aloft, disk pointed to the blackness of paradox space, and angled her head up, “IST GONNA ALL BE MINE~!” She eased the lollipop’s thick stick into her mouth, and down her throat.
Dirk… was the only one concerned, but his concern was specific. He was aware that sword swallowing was a thing. He was also aware that the length of the sword was important – so as not to literally slice up your insides. So the first shove down Roxy gave, after smoothly feeding of the stem down her throat, a wave nausea hit him – worse than Jake’s chin, worse than Jane’s teeth. The previous attempts felt comical. Now she convulsed a little bit, like she was about to throw up.
But she didn’t. She just fed a little more of the stem down, and shoved a second time – to force it back out of the stomach, if Dirk’s guess was right. Unable to look down, or really pause, Roxy’s hips started gyrating, apparently trying to catch her intestines on the end of the stick. And it went fast. Alarmingly fast. An arm’s length of stem had disappeared into the girl, leaving here in a similar position to Jake a few moments ago.
There was mumbling, waving over. He wondered if Jane and Jake KNEW what to do, or they had just decided on their own to take positions in front and behind her. Jake guided her bend forward – back straighter than it had ever been – and Dirk was somehow unsurprised by Roxy’s still elated expression. Her lips were pulled wide to the sides – presumably, to let the sucker slide into her mouth. Jane did nothing to steady Roxy as she bent forward but once Jake had a firm grip on her cheeks, she reached under Roxy’s miniskirt and grabbed on to something.
And with no word of warning, swung Roxy in a circle.
There was a sickeningly moist tearing sound. Jake, holding on to Roxy’s face for a moment, went flying – and then continued to tumble through the air in some combination of a youth roll and his own weird trickster powers. Jane continued to spin on her heel for some moments, the stem of the sucker firmly gripped in a single hand, and Roxy flapping along at the other end of the stem.
Eventually the spin stopped, and Roxy easily floated to the ground, “DERE WOU GO DIRKY, NO MORE PROBELMOS!” throwing her hands up in an exaggerated shrug. Her entire top half was… distended. Her jawbone – Dirk couldn’t really find it in the mass of stretched flesh. Her neck hung wide and baggy, the scarf she had been wearing to cover it hardly staying on her shoulders. Her chest seemed – flabby, shirt stretched, swaying as she moved. Her abdomen oddly stretched horizontally around the oversized candy disk that had somehow made it’s way into her stomach without killing her; her waist below somehow tightened, her intestines all gathered up into a row around the stem. The forearm-length tail sticking straight down from her ass? Hardly noticeable in comparison… surprisingly clean for the path it had taken. “THIS LIL BABEE IS NEVER COMIN OUT!”
“AWWWWW…” Jake rolled back on to Dirk’s roof, probably having circumnavigated the Land of Tombs and Krypton. “BUT WHA IF I HWAN A LILL HICK-HE-HUP?”
“WELLL, ITS ALL STILL HERE,” Roxy left a finger hanging from what now constituted a lip, “YU WANT SOME? YOURE GONNA HAVE TO GET IT.”
“HAY I? HURETTY HURETTY HUUEASE?” Jake was already hovering dangerously close to Roxy, hands pressing against each other in a mock diving pose. His face, fortunately, had begun to recover, but his jaw still drooped severely.
“COM ON IN, IT’S NICE AND WARM!”
He danced on air excitedly for a moment, before diving at her open maw. He initially got stuck at the shoulders, head and arms disappearing into Roxy’s gut. Ridges of flesh flailed under Roxy’s shirt as he struggled – to match flailing legs upended mid-air – but soon enough he managed to catch hold of the sucker and drag himself downwards. Feeling the sucker’s stem start to shift between her nethers, she bent backwards – folding herself in half & grabbing the stem coming out of her butt to keep it in place, instead of letting it be dragged inward. Due to this Jake’s begs found themselves back on solid ground, so he pushed up into the girl rather than down – quickly his legs settled – the sucker making a firm round impression in Roxy’s upturned abdomen. Not bothering to pull himself in, his legs merely bent at the knee to hook over Roxy’s shoulders, leaving her lower lip stretched wide.
Roxy was sedate. Jake was sedate.
Dirk was… reviewing where he could search to find the human friends these monsters had replaced.
“BWT IF JAKE CA GED DO IF SO EASIWY – IS’S NOH SAHE!” Jane’s toothless outburst was ignored by everyone present. Until she started to rip her own mouth wider open that any part of her body should have physically supported. Dirk just covered his eyes.
It was a mistake, being around it at all. The straining, the un-enunciated groaning, the sounds of bones popping out of socket. He would never be able to use his roof again. Or his house again. He’s never be able to use their houses either. Maybe the Condesce would just come and kill this monster, and them him, spare everyone the suffering.
When he finally dared to look, Jane was a rotund mass – clothes mostly ripped apart, but the flesh underneath was so distended as to be otherwise unrecognizable, except by color. The red of lips bordered a patch of darker skin, the outline of the sucker clearly visible. It was a trickster turducken. Jak-Rox-ane, some still not mortified part on his mind corrected itself.
It didn’t move. Hopefully content in whatever it considered it’s prize.
He didn’t move. Hoping not to attract it’s attention. He didn’t know where the sprites had gone. Maybe fled. Maybe eaten. Oh hell, Arquiusprite would have gotten off on that. Stop thinking about it.
After an unidentifiably long number of moments, something appeared out of the corner of his eye. A window frame. Or, more like one of Roxy’s fenestrated walls. Pink-ish. A sprite emerged from it… or at least, it looked like a sprite, pink and purple, with a pair legs instead of a tail. As it got closer it looked – Cat-ish. Doll-ish.
“Ah! so this is where the session flipped ass-ways, I see. Oh!” the sprite licked a paw – almost cartoonish in its proportions – and slicked back her hair. Well, the longer hair on her head, “Hello, Dirk. I’m Jasprosesprite Squared. Yes, that’s double the sprite! Seems cheap for an exponent, I know,” she gently put stuffed paws on his shoulders “Sorry bro, the game’s up. You lost. ‘They that wait’ are never getting their visitors. I’m just here out of curiosity. And cleanup.”
“Wait. Just how do you know my name – where exactly are you from,” he paused for a moment, “Bro.” It… She felt familiar. Somehow. Even if she almost looked as weird as the tricksters.
“Oh, split timelines, I’m from an alternate session. Where – uh – that,” she looked at the mound of trickster, “Didn’t happen.” she tilted not just her head, but her whole body at the sight, apparently very used to floating around, “I mean, something like this happens a lot, but no Ouroboros… Voreboros? Most of the time. Which is odd given the nature of that sucker, now that I think about it, actually.” She paused, gently pawing at some apparent tentacles attached to her face. She really looked more like an alchemy experiment than a sprite, but Dirk wasn’t about to say that aloud, “I mean, I suppose you could cut the sucker out and maybe save Jake’s life, but the girls are too far gone. If They were to revert from the trickster high, there would be no saving their bodies. And robotic preservation always has nasty side effects, wouldn’t you agree?”
Though she sounded quite sure of the judgment, Dirk was about to ask how she knew about Jake – but no, those were definitely his glasses starting to press out from Roxy’s flesh. That thing wasn’t completely motionless.
“I’d be happy to get give you a lift out of here – I know a few sessions that could use a Dirk, and would be happy to have you – but there are a few loose ends to clean up first. I don’t need your help, to do so, but I’d take it.”
“What would those ‘ends’ be?”
“I need to get rid of this instance of The Condesce. And to get rid of That. Just to make sure they don’t contaminate anything else – some version of Earth, other timelines. If I can hop between them, there’s nothing saying she – or that – won’t learn how to.”
“If you need my help killing the Condesce, yes. Count me in. With that… Even if I was sure I could touch…”
“Oh no, no, I can handle neutralizing them. No worries there. Though you could help me speed things up.”
“Sure. What do you need?”
“Help me out with this, I can’t really…” She tried to grasp a bit of fuzz at the edge of her mouth between two claws, and failed.
“Uhh… Ok.” Dirk tugged at it.
It wasn’t just a little bit of fuzz, Dirk realized. It was the edge of a bit of batting, and that batting was what Jasprose was filled – stuffed – with. The doll aspect wasn’t just external. She flew back quickly, taking advantage of the slowness of his realization, and more and more of it came through her mouth. Her limbs shriveled up and inverted, following the yellowed fluff out through her mouth; and finally it separated, the fluff falling down to the roof.
Jasprose was left a tangle of cloth and stitching, ethereal limbs and useless tongue hanging from bulging cheeks and rows of teeth, a mismatched jellyfish of limbs. She calmly fed her inverted wrist into the mass coming from her mouth, popping her face back into something like normal proportions, before casually re-inverting her body to it’s previous position.
“The frick.”
“Oh, it’s all happened before, not that it’s easy to get that stuffing out myself – thank you. But mind you, I don’t really eat that much, or that frequently. Just need to make room. Though… hmm,” She was wandering, “Did Condy have anything in the form of surveillance of this planet? It’s a little late if she did, anyways. Just have to eat fast.” Jasprose’s arms looped into curled pretzels, tightening into knots, her legs twisted together unaided into a parody of a lotus pose, before tightening into their own conspicuous knot. She looked a lot more like a sack with teeth than she did a moment ago. “Well, you can get anything from downstairs if you want… but for me, no sense waiting for the tricksters to make this any harder… Bon Appétit.”
He didn’t really want to see this. How the sprite managed to billow open into rings of teeth, arms flopping uselessly around it’s circumference. He hurried down flights of stairs. Grabbed weapons that he could… probably use. He looked at everything else. If he was going to replace another … incarnation? … of himself, this would all be there. Everything else was already for the right rapped line to pop from his fetch modus. He quietly made his way back up the stairs… But the stairway itself was quiet. Too quiet. They… hadn’t gotten to her – Jas-dollface-sprite, had they?
He peeked out the door to the roof. The tricksters were gone. Jasprose lay on the edge of the roof – much larger than she had been when he’d encountered her earlier, but not nearly the size of three humans. “Give me a few more minutes. Ugh. Prefer some savory undertones any day, not this saccharine stuff.” She was visibly shrinking as he watched – a lump forming in her side. She whipped at the lump with an flapping limb – and there was the sound of bones crunching. “I will take the opportunity to remind you it’s not cannibalism if you are of a different specie. Though I would suppose that we all could be considered monsters. Ah.”
She reached in to her mouth and drew out an arm-length stem, stripped bare. “Well, I am sure this thing regenerates at some point. Juju seem to. But, I don’t plan on being around to see if it does,” And she tossed the stick off the edge of the building, into gas-filled canyon far below. She was almost to “morbidly obese” proportions at the point, save for the tied-off limbs.
“Let me guess how you want to handle The Condesce.” Even though he suspected he didn’t need to, he offered her a hand to get to her feet.
She took it, “Oh, I’ve had plenty of troll before. We could have fun with it – one moment, hairball.” She quivered and puked up the still oversized wad of inert batting into the canyon, following the stem. “Bluh. at least none of it got up my limbs. Ugh. But. It’s hard the first few times, before you realize you gain nothing for attempting a clean fight. So, I could let you could get in some swordplay if you wanted,” She started working on the knots of her arms, and Dirk helped – they were pretty tight. “Make her watch me eat one limb at a time,” when disk lett a slightly grossed out look slip, she continued, “Honestly, I’m feeling the kigurummy -” Dirk let her work on straightening her own legs, “or whatever they’re called – route, get her inside me, I could stand to be a meter taller for a while. And oh, the thrashing,” she ran her tongue across her teeth, “Well, it’s the closest to adrenaline I get.”
“Kinky,” It was weird to have someone talking to him about such things.
“Oh, I can do kinky.” She rested an admittedly floppy head on his shoulder, and let herself drift up for a moment, a flag flapping in a breeze that wasn’t there. Then her toes curled – and her whole body rolled up like a mat, the poof of her shoulders hanging over the edge of the roll. “You can be do the flying for a while. Oh look, ” Another pink fenestrated wall appeared, “A shortcut to Derse.” A glance revealed a purple planetoid through the window.
Dirk was whispering something very quietly, “hoverboard”. It appeared from the fetch modus and he alighted.
The plush roll of Jasprose floated under his arm and hugged his chest. He hugged it back.
He might just take his time hunting down a fish.
___
Standing up for yourself obviously never works out well, kids.
Split about https://www.homestuck.com/story/5756 – if you were wondering.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/17664596
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